WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there.
"One of those suspicious colored fellas used to live here," Biden said to reporters assembled on the White House lawn as he came outside for his morning recess time. "Black folks are always dealing drugs, which is why I pushed so hard to incarcerate them decades ago. Nobody listened. Now, one of them lived here for years. He was a bad dude. Borfarginbinder."
Ever since a white powder that later tested positive for cocaine was discovered in the White House, speculation has run rampant that it may have belonged to President Biden's son, Hunter. "People are trying to say it belonged to my son, but that's an awful thing to say because my son passed away years ago," Biden said. "It's time for us to move on, just like the black fella who lived here before. He doesn't live here anymore, he just calls me up every day and tells me what I need to do. Mint chocolate chip."
As Biden was being led away, he was heard muttering about the White House's former tenants. "Whatever happened to that guy?" he asked. "And what about his wife — the tall, burly fella?"
At publishing time, administration officials also confirmed that drugs found in Hunter Biden's car and home also belonged to a previous black resident of the White House.
General Florg of the planet Graxon V has visited Earth - but he's having trouble understanding humans as he's never encountered a species with so many genders.